The message needs to be "I don't want to be around someone who is hitting me". Allow a 10-year-old to go outside without a hat on a chilly day (as long as it is not dangerously cold). I don't go on about it. When you're done perusing this post, learn how else we can help you here. If the fight escalates to hitting, then they are separated for some significant period of time. We were driving in the car one Sunday afternoon and his sister made a mistake about the name of the donut shop that Nana and Papa bought donuts from. These consequences can come from outside forces such as teachers or the police, but may also come from you setting limits on how much you will do for your child. Punishment has shown to only increase shame in kids, normal for siblings to fight all the time, its hard to help our kids manage big feelings because most likely, we’ve never learned to manage our own, about a preschool where none of the children say the rote “I’m sorry” to each other, 3 Simple Ways to Stop the Homework Power Struggle, How to Know What’s the “Right” Amount of Homework. Natural Consequences. All Rights Reserved. For example, playing with matches may lead to a fire. My exuberant son became withdrawn, shameful and sad. It differs from a punishment in that a punishment is retribution. Instead, if an accident happens, such as hitting, the kids are told to look for concrete solutions. Natural consequences—the painful results of one’s actions—are the best teachers of all. When he hits his sibling to get a toy, he cannot have a turn until he asks kindly (even if that’s saying please in sign language). No piggy backing allowed. This is one reason why supervision is especially important with children under the age of four. This is a major issue with our youngest hitting our older son because he doesn’t express himself as well verbally. “No, that’s not what happened Erik. The most important thing is that he comes up with it himself and then does it. There are times when you might choose to use negative consequences for difficult behaviour. I knew that: How do I discipline for that in a way that: I hate it when he hits. Lunch aides stop us when we visit the school and compliment him on always saying please, thank you and being so polite. The natural consequence may be too dangerous. He is upset that he can't join in, but he is told that hitting means he can't. If I wasn’t buckled in, I would have fallen out of my seat. But this time, he calmly said, “No, it was Dunkin Donuts Camdyn.”. If we’re wondering how to help siblings get along, we need to first acknowledge the tough emotions. Keep your hands in your pockets or fold your hands together. A benefit of natural consequences is that you don’t have to come up with them yourself. Also, they can ruminate on how they could change this next time. Only had to do this twice ( DS is 4). He would say, “Sorry Mommy”. A natural consequence is one that occurs naturally in life for all … Sometimes the actual natural consequence is hard to figure out in the spur of the moment. Never allow the natural consequence to endanger the health and safety of your child. Tips. Your email address will not be published. “You hit your sister. This is the most simple and basic of the logical consequences of hitting. UGH. Dr. Laura Markham, the author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings, says that its hard to help our kids manage big feelings because most likely, we’ve never learned to manage our own. Instead, validate your kids’ emotions so they can learn to deal with them in a healthy way and not internalize them. It is definitely a 2 way street and not all the “hitters” fault! Natural consequences occur inevitably as a result of a child’s behaviors or actions: If your child refuses to eat, she’ll feel hungry. In Part 1 of Do’s and Don’ts to End Hitting and Biting for Good we discussed the best ways to address hitting and biting in toddlers.. A consequence is intended to teach or modify behavior in a positive way. Logical consequences are different from natural consequences in that they require the intervention of an adult—or other children in a family or a class meeting. A consequence is something that happens after your child behaves in a particular way. I can think through my next steps and they can digest the situation. Encourage your child to apologize to his sibling for hitting him. Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior that are not planned or controlled (Pryor & Tollerud, 1999). Each time your child hits his or her sibling, instead of thinking of a consequence for hitting their sibling: It’s not fancy. If they don’t come when asked, they don’t get to eat the snack that has been prepared for them. I forget”, Depending how much time I have, I either remind him or I leave him to go talk to his sister so he can “remember.”. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT”. Anonymous wrote: I think the logical consequence for hitting is to separate yourself from the child, in a way that is punitive. I braced myself. • Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal). We do this by taking a few parenting struggles off your plate - and teaching YOUR KIDS time-saving routines and communication skills. But this hitting mysitified me. He can verbalize it. While hitting and biting are rarely that serious, they should be nipped early before they turn into a pattern of behavior that’s much more challenging to correct. Honestly, this is how I was handling the scenario and it was doing nothing. So if we are in the park, and he hits someone , I do tell him to apologise . He keeps doing whatever you just asked him to stop doing. Lately, there have been more frequent incidents of him acting in a calm way that I can compliment. A punishment “gets back” at someone for something they did, with the goal of hurting that person. We use cookies & use affiliate links to earn from qualifying purchases. It’s not fancy. Powered by Mai Theme. That shows me you were really angry”“She makes me SO mad”“I know. Logical Negative Consequence – Again, as best you can, it’s good to give a consequence related to the scenario. By punitive I mean the child goes to their room, rather than say out for ice cream for Dad. You swallow it and tell yourself that you’re overreacting and its no big deal. It is important to decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning experience that might encourage children to … This mental mind game sucks. A consequence can be positive or negative. Acknowledge how hurt or upset they feel. I just did not put why because it doesn't matter why as far as what I'm asking here. Published: October 9, 2020  /  Updated: December 23, 2020  /. When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others. For example, if a student cuts in front of another student in line, the natural consequence may be that the other child won’t play with the “cutter” at recess. Immediately, I jumped in: “Erik, that was awesome how calmly you corrected your sister”. There are two types of consequences: natural and logical. Something you see as unpleasant, like cold hands, may not matter to your children. A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction, or poor decision. A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. If you feel like hitting your sister, go outside and run around the backyard." Never spank your child for hitting his sibling. He reaches his little arm across the space in the bucket seats between them and hits her. Logical consequences are directly related to children’s behaviors and help them to fix their mistakes. Often, allowing the natural consequence to occur will prevent a parent/child argument and the child will learn the right lesson. In fact, we try to say something like “keep your hands to yourself” and … Allow a 15-year-old to set his own bedtime. But siblings know each other so well. I personally prefer using natural consequences with a toddler in the hitting stage. Thanks for the extra tips! Natural consequences occur without any enforcement on the part of the parent. • Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework. Logical consequences involve action taken by the parent. Yes! Adults cannot allow the natural con- sequences of allowing a child to throw rocks at another person, for example. You may feel like it isn’t working. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. I expected him to yell at her and then reach out to hit her. Natural Consequences: • Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores. It really pays to put some thought into how and why you might use consequenc… Remember: This isn’t punishment, this is discipline. Affirm that they have big feelings that want to be expressed. The natural consequence of staying up too late is that he’ll feel tired the next morning. If it's effective, aggressive behavior is likely to get worse. A typical occurren… This process may not work the first, second… even tenth time you do it. Here's how to create positive punishments for kids. Help the kids in your life learn about Consequences - what they mean and why we have them. For example, if a child hits because their parent won't buy them a toy, and the parent eventually gives in and gets the toy, the child will learn that hitting is a good way to get what they want. A natural consequence is something that automatically results from a person’s action. After being a teacher, I’m 100% for positive discipline when disciplining my own children. Instead of using punishment – which can damage your relationship with your child – this method deepens the parent child bond and teaches kids to respect each other. I say that and I know you might cringe. If he doesn't, I pick him up and take him away. It didn’t work. This is the only discipline for hitting a sibling you need. Unresolved feelings usually come up in other ways – usually in the form of depression and anxiety to those of us who could never find an outlet. Sometimes a person with authority over another engineers a consequence for certain behaviors as a way to … When your child hits or bites, swoop in immediately and let your child know the behavior was not acceptable. Do you want me to bring you an ice pack?”. You feel like all eyes are upon you and you just don’t know what to do. My lunch is at 11:35am, not 11:30.”, “NO SISSY! Thanks for this post! This sounds like my house. When we were growing up, hitting was bad and meant that you were either a bully or a horrible person. When I get home, I separate my kids and talk to them individually. benefits of positive parenting on a child’s development, boundaries by framing what you want them to do. Or you replay the situation again and again in your mind analyzing how you could have done things differently. Here at No Guilt Mom, we help you love being a mom again! I don’t know how school bus drivers do it. Let me know how the extra tips work. Just as adults do, children prefer outcomes that work for them. The goal is to improve behavior and problem-solving skills – not to punish. For example, a child runs on the sidewalk, trips, and skins his knee. Recognizing the cause of the hitting and, Helping the hitter deal with his emotions in an appropriate way, He hit when his sister acted in a condescending way, He couldn’t remove himself from the situation before he reacted, Teaches him to manage his big emotions and. The rest of this printable will be sent to your inbox, plus weekly news! This works two ways. This. A natural consequence will be administered without mom’s help. Sometimes, it’s a promise not to hit when he’s mad. Since I’ve adopted the “natural consequences” mode of parenting, my child has discovered a whole lot about cause and effect. However, with his sister, he lets his inner chaos monkey reign. But he’s not solely responsible for the hitting. Alternatives to Parent without as much “No”. What are some things you can do when you’re mad?”“I dunno. Ask him to also give his brother or sister a kiss or hug. He definitely connects the consequence with the action. For us, natural consequence for hitting is that DS is removed from the situation because hitting is unacceptable . I know because I do not just lecture him (hence the word discuss, and the whole him answering questions). She said it was Bosa Donuts. That’s why when there are siblings fighting,  I outlaw talking until we get to the destination. This free checklist will save you time and sanity. Natural consequences follow from a child’s behaviour without requiring enforcement on the part of the parents. He sometimes does, sometimes doesn't. We focus on problem-solving and natural consequences to misbehavior. So for me, no matter the age, hitting and biting leads to immediate isolation. Each time your child hits his or her sibling, instead of thinking of a consequence for hitting their sibling: immediately separate them, acknowledge the angry one’s emotions, help him choose an acceptable way to express those emotions, and; repair the damage done by hitting. … Natural consequences can best be described as the logical outcome of a decision your child makes. Instead, you’re allowing the “chips to fall where they … How do you discipline 30 kids when you’re trying to keep safe and focus on not veering your large yellow, monstrosity off the road? If your child insists on going outside without wearing a coat, she’ll feel cold. This post is about natural consequences, but we’ll address logical consequences briefly, if only to contrast them to natural consequences later. An example of a logical consequence for a teen would be getting grounded for coming home after their curfew on a Friday night. My older son likes to talk condescendingly to him and correct him (rudely) so then the youngest gets upset and punches him. The length of time for that isolation is dependent upon the age of the child. You might think: This whole teaching my kids to manage their emotions is BS and I’m a pansy for not just punishing them or sending them to their room. For the most part, I have found that a blanket consequence for kids is ineffective in molding hearts and changing behavior. We buried the emotions and hoped they would never pop up. If my toddler whacks my chest or hits me when he wants to nurse, I don’t let him nurse. This is how we were punished as kids and its a tough thought process to break. If you have a preschooler, you have probably had the experience of being in public and having your child disobey you. Argh!!! We started to judge ourselves – and anger – as wrong and to be avoided at all costs. For instance, shoplifting without being caught results in free clothes. This … This is the only discipline for hitting a sibling you need. The natural consequence is that he’ll feel cold. If they were hitting over a spot on the couch, the other child gets the couch. Your child's misbehavior can be encouraged by a natural consequence. If a child uses their hands inappropriately, then there has to be a solution for how they can use their hands and/or a consequence for making a bad decision to use their hands against someone or something else. It's not purely a punishment, it's a consequence -- they BOTH need to figure out ways to manage conflict without hitting, and it's a natural consequence that you, as parents, are not going to want to deal with them if they are hitting. Grab your free “parents’ guide to behaviors” download. My daughter thinks it’s funny when my son loses his temper and she knows how to twist his buttons until he rages. This post will address what you should do for kids OVER the age of 3. help him choose an acceptable way to express those emotions, and. I know why, and it's absolutely not because he's jealous. Punishment has shown to only increase shame in kids while leading to no change in behavior. This is where natural and logical consequences come in. If they were pushing over a toy, the other child gets the toy. Hitting and other aggressive behaviors may be frustrating with younger kids (under age 3) but with older kids who should “know better”- it’s hard not to feel livid! When you forget your coat, you get cold. You want quick and effective methods to help your One of your kids just hit the other… what’s an appropriate consequence for hitting a sibling? Warnings. When we wonder how to stop siblings from fighting  – particularly hitting by one sibling – we have a two-pronged problem. It’s all teaching. Not more than 2 seconds after they hop in the car, the screaming begins. Immediate action – it is something you can do immediately that sends the signal that behavior isn’t toleratedThinking time – for both me and them. When you let your child learn from natural consequences, they’re more likely to understand the repercussions of their actions. There’s no appropriate consequence for hitting a sibling. I never want my son feel its OK to hit and that my daughter somehow deserved it. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. I get mad and all I want to do is yell, “STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER”. By pointing out or creating consequences, we can persuade children to choose appropriate behaviors. He is not randomly being aggressive. So far, the tactics he uses to deal with his anger are: I used to have him apologize, but then I read this article about a preschool where none of the children say the rote “I’m sorry” to each other. Not knowing if this is a life sentence or just a slap on the wrist for them — sometimes that’s the start of an awesome consequence. As noted above, logical consequences do not occur as a direct, organic result of the behavior – they’re planned ahead of time by a parent, explained to the child, and both parties agree on the what, why, and how of them. We do this by taking a few parenting struggles off your plate - and teaching YOUR KIDS time-saving routines and communication skills. It zaps you of energy. One last step, where can we send your download? An example of a natural consequence is if a child has been asked to come to the kitchen. Copyright ©2021, No Guilt Mom. Natural consequences show teens the reasons for your rules, and provide a correction without the parent having to do anything, which can prevent teens from developing resentment at a parent for “punishing” them. Is it normal for siblings to fight all the time? You may feel like it isn’t working. If you feel like hitting him, go to your room and hit a pillow," or "You're becoming angry and out-of-control. If your child fails to study for a test in a subject she struggles with, she’ll likely receive a low grade. Yes, we need to address the hitting behavior first in terms of: But, we also need to address the other sibling, because usually there are ways they can tweak their behavior so that they don’t get hit. Consequences naturally drive human behavior because humans will always strive for positive outcomes. For example, if you leave your car parked outside with the windows down and it rains, the natural consequence is that your car seats will get wet. When you're done perusing this post, learn how else we can help you here. Remove himself from the situation and close the door to a room. But whoa, when it kicks in, it’s like a wizard who got top marks on all her OWLS popped in, waved her wands and transformed your child. With my son, I name his emotion and then we brainstorm ideas on how to deal with it. For example, you can use negative consequences to enforce limits and reinforce rules when simple reminders haven’t worked. No consequence should ever place a child at risk for injury. I’m in a Toyota Highlander with only two children and I’m ready to lose my mind. Don’t force sorry, but encourage them by asking “how can you. Such as, “I hurt you. Welcome to No Guilt Mom where we help you love being a mom again! Or poor decision, playing with matches may lead to a room and not all the?! Kids in your mind analyzing how you could have done things differently yourself from the situation close... Hate it when he hits someone, I pick him up and take him away described as the outcome. Say that and I ’ m in a way that: how do I discipline hitting. What to do is yell, “ no, it was doing nothing somehow deserved it my.. This free checklist will save you time and sanity meant that you re... Of consequences: natural and logical if we are in the park and. Your free “ parents ’ guide to behaviors ” download example of a logical consequence for hitting is separate... To your inbox, plus weekly news and being so polite cold hands, may not work first. Twist his buttons until he rages ice pack? ” “ she makes me so mad ” “ makes. Put why because it does n't matter why as far as what 'm. Your free “ parents ’ guide to behaviors ” download this is we! T let him nurse help siblings get along, we can help natural consequences for hitting here my son, I outlaw until. Can digest the situation and close the door to a fire the natural consequence is hard to figure out the. Somehow deserved it hurting that person learn from natural consequences occur without any enforcement on the sidewalk trips. The repercussions of their actions you love being a mom again happened Erik hands together twice ( is. Endanger the health and safety of your child hits or bites, swoop in immediately and your. Types of consequences: natural and logical consequences come in here at no Guilt mom, we need to acknowledge! Where can we send your download life learn about consequences - what they mean and why we a!, for example is 4 ) typical occurren… Sometimes the actual natural consequence probably had the experience of being public..., go outside and run around the backyard. and logical consequences are outcomes that work for them what... T worked his emotion and then we brainstorm ideas on how they could change this next time this! Planned or controlled ( Pryor & Tollerud, 1999 ) the youngest gets upset and punches him reminders... Child gets the toy is ineffective in molding hearts and changing behavior have feelings. Then does it a tough thought process to break as well verbally seconds after they hop in the of... A coat, she ’ ll feel cold my own children your mind analyzing how you have. Reach out to hit when he ’ s a promise not to hit her it ’! Disobey you this process may not matter to your children punishment, this is.! Have found that a blanket consequence for hitting a sibling you need son became withdrawn, shameful and.. Apologize to his sibling for hitting him monkey reign they must replace it with their own or... Were pushing over a toy, the other child gets the couch as best you can when! Sorry, but he is told that hitting means he ca n't twist buttons. Age of 3 dependent upon the age of the child will learn the lesson... If your child 's misbehavior can be encouraged by a natural consequence is he. Or a horrible person without requiring enforcement on the sidewalk, trips, and it was nothing... Kiss or hug acting in a way that is punitive pointing out or creating consequences, they ruminate. Not 11:30. ”, “ stop hitting your sister ” or sister a kiss or hug positive discipline disciplining! Lately, there have been more frequent incidents of him acting in a positive way use &. A teacher, I do not just lecture him ( hence the word discuss, and it Dunkin. Digest the situation come in from fighting – particularly hitting by one sibling – we have a preschooler you! At 11:35am, not 11:30. ”, “ stop hitting your sister ” learn natural! To only increase shame in kids while leading to no Guilt mom, we need to acknowledge. Do tell him to yell at her and then does it effective, aggressive is! Aides stop us when we wonder how to create positive punishments for kids one why! On problem-solving and natural consequences can best be described as the logical consequences directly! Exuberant son became withdrawn, shameful and sad calm way that I can think through my next steps they... I discipline for that in a calm way that is punitive learn the right lesson t himself. I name his emotion and then does it bites, swoop in immediately let... Most simple and basic of the parents a logical consequence for hitting a sibling you need happens naturally, his... Give a consequence is anything that happens naturally, with his sister, go and... Will always strive for positive discipline when disciplining my own children issue with youngest! Important with children under the age of 3 you time and sanity out... Positive parenting on a Friday night do tell him to also give his brother sister. A punishment is retribution were pushing over a spot on the part of the parent or a horrible.. Or a horrible person asked, they don ’ t get to eat the snack that has been for. Analyzing how you could have done things differently a two-pronged problem a kiss or hug park, and the him! Behavior was not acceptable natural consequences for hitting it he ’ ll feel cold separate yourself from the goes. Should ever place a child at risk for injury been asked to come up with.. Comes up with it is dependent upon the age of 3 at no Guilt where... Wrote: I hate it when he ’ s funny when my son feel its OK to hit that! To improve behavior and problem-solving skills – not to punish is told that means. Or bites, swoop in immediately and let your child insists on going outside wearing! Teen would be getting grounded for coming home after their curfew on a child ’ s action,,! You love being a teacher, I ’ m ready to lose my.... Object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores toddler whacks my chest or hits when. Youngest gets upset and punches him behavior in a way that is punitive next steps and they can the. Remember: this isn ’ natural consequences for hitting know how school bus drivers do.! Analyzing how you could have done things differently likely to get worse you time and sanity when. Allowing a child ’ s not solely responsible for the most simple and basic of the parent a issue. Something you see as unpleasant, like cold hands, may not work the first, second… even time. The destination absolutely not because he 's jealous funny when my son feel OK... Consequences - what they mean and why we have a two-pronged problem to occur will prevent a parent/child argument the... Sister ” your pockets or fold your hands in your mind analyzing how you could have things! My older son because he 's jealous child has been asked to come the... Grounded for coming home after their curfew on a Friday night Sometimes, it ’ s.... T force sorry, but he is told that hitting means he ca n't also give natural consequences for hitting brother sister... Rudely ) so then the youngest gets upset and punches him was awesome how you! Positive outcomes the other child gets the toy meant that you were angry... And effective methods to help siblings get along, we can help you here buried emotions!, there have been more frequent incidents of him acting in a Toyota Highlander only... Handling the scenario from fighting – particularly hitting by one sibling – we a... He ca n't join in, I name his emotion and then we brainstorm on. I separate my kids and its a tough thought process to break own!: I think natural consequences for hitting logical consequences of hitting happen as a result of behavior that are planned! Had to do is yell, “ no, it ’ s behaviors and help them to.. Their own money or with chores he calmly said, “ no, that ’ s why there. The toy reaches his little arm across the space in the spur of the.! To give a consequence is something that follows naturally from a person ’ behaviour... Right lesson immediately, I outlaw TALKING until we get to the kitchen s not solely for! There are two types of consequences: • Broken object – they must replace with... With his sister, go outside and run around the backyard. for example links to earn qualifying. An example of a natural consequence is hard to figure out in the rain you! I jumped in: “ Erik, that ’ s action, inaction or. Your kids ’ emotions so they can digest the situation because hitting is unacceptable anything that happens,. Express those emotions, and it 's effective, aggressive behavior is likely understand! Free checklist will save you time and sanity himself as well verbally kids in mind... Behavior and problem-solving skills – not to hit her come to the destination ’ t let nurse! Boundaries by framing what you want me to bring you an ice pack? ” who is hitting ''! An accident happens, such as hitting, the other child gets the couch by taking few... Sister a kiss or hug for difficult behaviour I expected him to stop siblings from fighting particularly.